Done for Another Year, Packed Up and Put Away December 26, 2009

Well, it is officially the day after Christmas and I have packed up the tree and the ornaments for another year.  Ran the vacuüm and put the chairs back where they belong.  While this year has been a tough one and I was not looking forward to Christmas, this one turned out to be a good one.  I think being faced with adversity is something that everyone should experience at least once in their lifetime. 

I lost a job that I loved earlier this year.  We decided to head to Florida.  Hey, it’s warm there and I am sure my arthritis will feel better in the sunshine.  How tough would it be to get a job.  I am a talented woman who has always been proud of my work ethic.  It would be fine…..yeah, right!  The job market is horrible.  Apparently there are lots and lots of middle-aged women with a great work ethic, looking for a job.  Oh and there are lots of young folks out there who are looking as well.  Companies have lots of applicants to choose from.  Well, that was 4 months ago.  I was dreading the Christmas season.  We had very little money for gifts and none for travel.  We decided that the 3 grandchildren would be taken care of but the rest of the family would just need to realize we loved them.  It was depressing.

I decided at the last-minute to put up the Christmas tree.  Going through all the old ornaments from my childhood started to have an effect on me.  I was reflecting on just what was important and what was just “gravy”.  As I tested the strings of lights I couldn’t help but remember my dad, stretching out the light strings across the living room.  I think I learned what the difference in boys and girls was from hearing my dad ask for a “male” plug and a “female” plug.  Seeing the paper mache orange that my brother made in the third grade made me laugh, as it was always called “Rance’s orange”.  When I put Angie the Angel on top of the tree, suddenly it was Christmas.

I looked at what I did have.  I have a husband who loves me.  A roof over my head.  I am not hungry.  I have children who worry about me.  I have friends who care.  I have hope for the future.  There is nothing else I need.  Christmas Eve, my husband Bill and I splurged on a bottle of wine.  We took our wine, some cheese and crackers and headed to the beach.  We sat near the water in the moonlight and talked about how much we truly did have.  It was a lovely evening.  The next day, Christmas Day, we talked to all the kids and listened to the grandkids excitement.  Would I have liked to have been there?  Of course!  But it was OK.  We went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant.  We had sushi and oysters.  We laughed about our day and we told each other how much we cared.  I could not have asked for a better Christmas.

Late Christmas night we drove through the downtown area.  The number of homeless is devastating.  They were on city benches with all of their belongings in a backpack.  It was misting rain, and getting cooler.  I thought about my day.  I had a bed to go home to.  I have hope for 2010.  How horrible it is to have no hope.

Here’s to a great new year.  As 2009 draws to a close….it really wasn’t so bad after all.

Sometimes Life Will Kick You December 23, 2009

I heard from an old friend tonight.  She wanted to let me know that one of our old highschool buddies had lost her daughter.  While I haven’t seen either one of these old friends in years it really bothered me because it made me think how quickly our lives can change from one extreme to another.  I don’t know the circumstances, and they don’t really matter.  A mom, someone my age, with grown children like my own, made a decision tonight,  to let her daughter go.  The mom that  brought her into this world had to decide when it was time to let her leave this world.  One day she was planning for a Christmas gathering, and the next day she is going to have to plan a funeral.   Burying your child must to be one of the most horrific events in a person’s life.  It made me ask myself if my children knew how much they meant to me.  My kids are all grown and married.  I have grandchildren.  But do my children really know how much I love them.  Yes, I tell them “I love you” every time we are on the phone together.  But do they know that I still worry about them, that there are times that I am scared for them?  Do they know how proud I am of them?  When they disappoint me, do they know it is their actions that disappoint and not them? 

I hope that my friend was able to tell her daughter these things.  I hope that they had the kind of relationship that allowed them to talk.  I hope that my friend will not blame herself.  Why do we sometimes wait until something bad happens before we think about sharing our feelings? 

I want my oldest to know that I am so proud of the way she and her husband are raising their son.  I want her to know that I remember that it isn’t easy to be a mom, and a wife, and have a career, all at the same time.  I want my son to know that the baby he and his wife are expecting will be the greatest gift he has ever received.  I want my youngest to know that she will always be my baby, even if she is 31.

So many times we think these thoughts, but we don’t go that next step and tell people how much they mean to us.  Maybe we just think they already know.  And, they probably do know.  Even though I knew how much my mother loved me, I would give anything in the world to hear her say it just one more time.  I hope she knew how much I loved her and how much I miss her still.

Christmas will be hard this year.  I lost my job 4 months ago and there is not much money to spare.  There will not be the big Christmases of the past.  This year I bought for the grandbabies and that was all.  What I did do was write each of my children a personal letter.  Some of it was remembering events from when they were little.  Some of it was talking about our future.  Mostly it was just a way to let them know how very much I love them and how lucky I am to have them in my life.  I hope my friend was able to tell her daughter.

Ahhhh…the Holidays November 25, 2009

They’re here! Kind of reminds you of the Poltergeist line doesn’t it? You remember that creepy kid sitting in front of the TV saying, “They’re back”. The holidays, with all the complications are upon us. Am I the only one that does not get all “misty-eyed” when this annual event overcomes our senses? I have friends who are all done with their Christmas shopping and have still found time to cook a 20 course meal for Thanksgiving. They brag about it like they are some kind of damn holiday superhero. They have got Christmas trees and lights up and ready to go on display just as soon as Uncle Fred gets up from the Thanksgiving table and announces that he is “stuffed like a tick”. The iconic image of the Norman Rockwell family sitting down at the table and giving thanks has been replaced with people making battle plans to tackle the BLACK FRIDAY sales. They have got their sale flyers on the ready. They have worked out a route based on store opening times. They have their gym shoes ready to run. Hopefully, they also have their health insurance paid up so that when they are caught up in the inevitable door opening crush they will be able to receive adequate medical care.

Before I get off on an entire Christmas tangent, let’s talk about Thanksgiving a little bit more. When I was a kid my grandmother would plan the meal and my mother would spend days cooking. Relatives that we did not see that often would descend on the house. My brother and I would begin hiding our “good stuff” in anticipation of these relatives arrival. We knew what we had to do based on past experiences. Our cousin Eddie, from Indiana, would swipe any toy he could make off with. Our cousins from St. Louis would just break stuff. They were all really good about appearing to be angelic just so that my brother and I would look bad when we complained. We recently had the privilege of attending a family reunion as adults and told each of these relatives just how much we despised them when we were little. If you ever have that opportunity, I highly recommend it. It feels really good. I now know why my dad would always make sure he told my mother, “these are YOUR people”. It had to make him feel good knowing that HIS people lived too far away to ever be a family dinner threat. Mom prepared enough food to feed a small village. Everything had to be made perfect. Great-grandma’s china, the Fostoria water goblets, the salt and pepper shakers shaped like little Pilgrims, and of course all the construction paper masterpieces made by my brother and I. I never remember my mom sitting down at the table with the rest of the family. She was pulling stuff out of the kitchen and refilling dishes and glasses for the entire meal. She cooked 3 days and the entire meal was inhaled in a matter of about 20 minutes. As everyone was moving away from the dining room to find a spot to lie down was when she finally sat down to eat. The sad thing is, no one ever thought anything about it. No one ever told her to stop fussing over them and sit down to eat.

My brother and I laughed the other day that we were still sitting at the “kids” table until each of us got married. I guess that is what finally moved you from that shaky card table to the dining room. Of course I did miss seeing Cousin Eddie stuff his mouth full, and then when he thought no adults were looking, do his “pimple” imitation.

I don’t do the big meal. I don’t expect my kids to trek halfway across the country for some dry turkey. I don’t have to figure out how in the hell to get all of those leftovers into the fridge. My husband and I go out. I really don’t even care if it is a traditional Thanksgiving meal. I think that we will be going out for Chinese this year or maybe Mexican. Neither one of these restaurants will be crowded and hopefully cousin Eddie will not be there.